Oh, baby. A bonanza of stuff, seen at the State Fair:

"ninja beef"

pork chop on a stick

Figure 8 racing (SO cool), with a guy in a chicken suit for no apparent reason

"all meat" hot dogs (good, those ones with the sawdust in them make my throat all scratchy)

A doily competition, category: "Household Accents other than Classified". What are classified household accents? Doilies with FBI bugs sewn in? Too bad that stuff's not on display.

Also on display - products from the baked goods competition, several weeks old and looking really nasty. Among them, not looking nasty but sounding quite disgusting: Spam Brownies. Won 2nd Place in the Spam competition (seriously).

Dude at the fair: "I'm a thug, but I listen to Pink." Right. On the basis of that statement, sir, I'm going to have to revoke your Thug license for at least 6 months.

A friend in a restaurant heard the following:

"Doesn't that guy's head make you think of ice cream?"

Seen in the newspaper by me: a help-wanted ad with the title "Bioterrorism Organizer".

Curse the ad execs:

"four four four, forty-four forty-four, just push four 'til someone answers."

Stuck in my head for DAYS, I tell you.

Ever wonder what would happen if you just went lunatic at a job interview? Like if the nice bank manager asked "Can you tell me about a time that you dealt with a frustrating situation?" and I said "Yeah, this dude came in, and was pissing me off... I'm getting really mad just thinking about it... and I grabbed him by the shirt collar and kneed him in the nose. It was an effective business strategy that utilized my skill set."

I've been recruiting. And it's been good. Not only are self-tasing men now part of the mockery soup, so are the blazing stars of the collegiate sky (from an online conversation contributed by a great friend):

undergrad1: so which dorm you live in?
me: I don't live in a dorm, I live off campus.
UG1: party!!!
me: I picked a quiet complex, I'm a grad.
UG1: dude, why else would you live off campus but to party? that's the
whole reason for going to college.
UG2: wait, you mean you're a teacher?

But of course with infinitely worse spelling and grammar.

UG2 has clearly never heard of grad school. I wonder what thought process brought him/her to the grad = teacher point? UG1 is about a semester away from being kicked out and explaining to mom and dad that those thousands of dollars in tuition went to purchase a year of hearty kegging and a nasty STD.

From Agent M comes the following:

"How about this one:

Guy at a party on Saturday night, talking to other guys: "Well, usually
when I use the taser on myself, most girls just think I'm an idiot. But
there's always one who thinks 'that's my kind of guy.'"

If I could make this up I'd be a screenwriter in Hollywood."

Wow. That's my kind of guy.

My mother gave me this advice, as we were discussing the job search:

"Don't be a bitch."

Point one: my mom just swore. Point two: it was in the form of advice. I don't think she was trying to imply anything, either.... that leaves me about 100% confused.


Looking for a job is making me really crazy. Luckily, it's Home Shopping Network Appreciation Week (so a friend tells me - thanks!). So make sure you get out there and celebrate. Raise your glass to those who bring you a 4-hour show on fake Cubic Zirconia jewelry, take a few moments to appreciate the phone operators who answer desperate late-night calls from women up far too late in New Jersey, callers whose grapplings at self-worth-through-purchasing-power seep through the airwaves in a spectacle of sparkling despair (yours for only 3 ValuPays of $59.99). Admire the models who patiently and graciously model hoisery designed to prevent varicose veins. Let yourself believe, for a moment, the vaseline-smiled hosts whose all-accepting tones bathe you in warm enthusiastic product endorsement. This is what it means to live in America; the opportunity to not only buy a 14K white gold tanzanite ring (we only have 24 of these left, now) ... but to believe that by purchasing it we can tabulate it into our own self-worth.

"It looks pretty on TV, so I know it's going to be pretty in real."

-caller to QVC's SILVER STRIKE! show.

No updates for a long, long time, but as I doubt there are any regular readers to this blog, I have no one to apologize to. Moving sucks, looking for a job sucks even more, and that's why "Overheard" now includes quotes from call-in home shopping shows.