'J'ai Danse Avec L'amour...."

I got this from Jessica - although she didn't include all the awesome Dead Milkmen songs that came up. C'mon, if the answer to 'How do you feel today?' is 'I'm So Bored I'm Drinking Bleach'... it's true!

~~~~~

Here's how to "play" along!

1. Put your i pod on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down & the artist, no matter how silly it sounds.


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"No Better Place" - Fountains of Wayne

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
"Maybe, This Time" - OK Go

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"Pressure" - Billy Joel (Ha! That's pretty damn appropriate.)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"It's The End Of The World As We Know It" - R.E.M.

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Oh Girl" - Evil Superstars

WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT?
"Gee, Baby, Ain't I Good To You'- Ella Fitzgerald

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LOVE?
"(You Drive Me) Crazy" - Britney Spears (Okay, that's WAY too appropriate!)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"You Wouldn't Like Me" - Tegan and Sara (sad!)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Blue Collar Suicide" - The Refreshments

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LOVE?
"Drive Until He Sleeps" - Ui

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Steppin' Out" - Fantastic Plastic Machine

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
"Celebrity Skin" - Hole

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"I'm Not A Fucking Drag Queen" - Peter Outerbridge (well, I wouldn't call it a secret, really.)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine" - The Killers

WHAT DID YOU SEE OUT YOUR WINDOW TODAY?
"Autumn Leaves" - Bill Evans (I wish)

WHAT MOTIVATES YOU?
"2 Cool 2 Be 4-gotten" - Lucinda Williams

WHAT DO YOU DREAM ABOUT?
"Smile" - Lily Allen

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR HIGH SCHOOL YEARS?
"Beautiful Day" - U2

WHAT ARE YOUR HOPES FOR THE FUTURE?
"Chemistry" - Semisonic (the one hard science I never majored in?)

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THE WAY YOU LOOK?
"Chango" - Ozomatli

WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF YOUR BLOG?
"Hypnotise" - The White Stripes

WHAT GOAL ARE YOU CURRENTLY WORKING ON?
"Love Is Gone" - Matthew Sweet (no!!!)

WHAT WILL THE TITLE OF THIS POST BE?
"J'ai Danse avec L'amour" - Edith Piaf

Wow... that was way too fun!

Oh, for fuck's sake. The proximity of Alaska to Russia does not, in any way shape or form, translate into foreign policy experience. People who don't know what the job of the Vice President entails shouldn't be Vice President. And a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage is not only a violation of said constitution, it's an act equally abhorrent to the senseless and raging racism of the 1960's. "Protect the Family"?? From what? Also, I don't give a moldy rat's ass if a transgendered person uses the women's bathroom at work. She wears a skirt, she goes in the Ladies'. And no, I am not "brave" to use the same bathroom.

I feel much better. For the moment.

I need to make a list of Breakfast Friends - people who are willing to go get breakfast with me before 10am on a Saturday. This isn't really the place to do it, since no one who lives within 30 miles of me reads this blog. But it's an appropriate place to complain, nonetheless. So instead of getting pancakes this morning (I love pancakes, I love them SO MUCH, but they are kind of a pain in the ass to make) I had oatmeal, and read www.gofugyourself.com near to the point of blindness. The fact that it's a blog devoted to horrific fahion choices only hastens the detatchment of my retinas. I love the Fug Girls a LOT, because they write articles with titles like 'It's Time To Ogle The Hot Bodies Of Our Olympic Athletes', which is so true because it has been a two-week ab parade the likes of which a runway has never seen. Woohoo! There's been a lot of Olympic watching over the past few weeks, much of which has been cool. But I think all that's on this morning is diving (boring), volleyball (boring), and canoeing (boring), so I am BORED and writing nonsensical posts to my "overheard" blog while Nina treads repeatedly on my spleen, because dicking around on the computer sounds better than packing more boxes of my husband's crap, simply so he can go "Oh - Why did you pack that??" Um, because we're MOVING. Stop looking at me like I stabbed a puppy and hand me that Sharpie.

Who knew that a simple Google search for "boojum tree" would bring up such a gem?

Seriously? It's been a month since I've posted? Jess is right; I am the worst blogger. I thought it would get better when I got an iPhone, but I am not a fan of typing on that little teeny keyboard (even if the word recognition software is superb). Do not get me wrong - I love the iPhone. It's like a second pet. (Wait - we have two pets. It's like a third pet.) It is a super-amazing little doo-dad with an unbelievably intuitive user interface. It just doesn't help me blog. (YET.)

The mall-walkers were out and about when Mr. Blue and I were in line for our iPhones. You pump those arms, geriatric dudes! They were definitely not used to seeing anyone in the mall at 7am on a Friday.

old guy 1: What the hell is that all about?
old guy 2: iPhone.
old guy 1: Mm. iPhone.

But the question is: Will it Blend?

I grabbed this from Jess. It seemed like a challenge. :) This is one of those goofy days where I post twice. Note the answer to number 23.

You can only type ONE word! Not as easy as you might think. Copy the questions below, change the answers to suit you, and blog. It's really hard to only use one word answers.

1. Where is your cell phone? here
2. Your significant other? Q
3. Your hair? long
6. Your favorite thing? clean
7. Your dream last night? forgotten
8. Your favorite drink? mojito
9. Your dream/goal? Hilo
10. The room you're in? office
11. Your hobby? running
12. Your fear? overwhelmed
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Hilo
14. Where were you last night? climbing
15. What you're not? patient
16. Muffins? huh?
17. One of your wish list items? Hilo
18. Where you grew up? Chandler
19. What are you wearing? clothes
20. Your pets? sleeping
21. Your computer? mac
22. Your life? awesome
23. Your mood? restless
24. Missing someone? yes
25. Your car? sellable
26. Something you're not wearing? shoes
27. Favorite store? online
28. Your summer? fast
29. Like someone? anyone?
30. Your favorite color? clear
31. When is the last time you laughed? today
32. Last time you cried? dunno

I sit next to the Grouchiest Guy Alive at work. (Is there a difference between being grouchy and grumpy? Grumpy seems a little more, I don't know, cute? And he's not cute. Anyway.) So the other day GGA was talking about how exercise makes you gain weight. I was expecting the usual (and true) statements about how muscle weighs more than fat, but no - GGA emphatically claims that exercise just makes you hungry and so you eat more and gain weight. Huh?

I guess there are some people out there who think that their quarter-mile of jogging entitles them to a biggie-sized triple cheeseburger value meal with a shake... but this is ridiculous.

Jess, thanks for the TMBG videos!! I'm going to be singing "There's Only One Everything" all day.

Oh, and I must post the adorableness that is Corn Child's daughter. Here's the text message I got yesterday from CC:

"We just got to the hotel and Horsey Girl opens the nightstand drawer, looks at the book inside and frowns. "Oh man, I thought maybe they left us a good book but it's the HOLY BIBLE!!""

heh... I hear ya, little sister. I'd prefer Harry Potter any day.

Watching Euro 2008 (that's soccer, kids):

Announcer 1: .. The United States.
Announcer 2: Of America.

Um, thanks for clarifying. I was thinking that the United States of Antarctica might be playing a friendly match with Argentina this afternoon. :p

Roseanne - ahem, I mean, Jessica, tipped me off to this 'What TV mom are you' quiz:

http://web.tickle.com/rd/53516/tests/tvmom/

I'm Claire Huxtable! Although the 'Which Office Movie Are You' quiz paints me in a more, uhm, dark tone?


Jamie, your office movie match is Secretary

Have you ever been accused of being a little...different? Of not being a team player? Of not getting teary-eyed enough at the umpteenth photo of your cubemate's nephew? When it comes to fitting the mold, we're guessing you stand out a little more than the average John or Jane Doe from accounting. People might not always understand your quirky, original ways, but your dark sense of humor will always keep 'em guessing (and isn't it better that way?).

Sure, you may wear black on the outside, but on the inside you're radiant, and it shows. Even though it never hurts to be a little cheesy, you're happiest being real and honest — and that's just the way we like you!

Hmm. I will admit that yes, I've been accused of not being a team player. (But not at my current job!)

Yes - a 9-month absence, and then two days with back-to-back posts. That's how I roll.

The S&P 500 used to be the S&P 90. I find that to be inexplicably adorable.

Someone torched a car in front of our neighbor's house last night. We (me and SevenofTwo and our husbands) were sitting in the back yard around 1:30am when Mr. Blue noticed a giant black plume of smoke. We ran out into the front to see a car, three houses down, being absolutely ravaged by flames. So we got out some wire hangers and marshmallows - no, of course, we called 911... and then watched the car burn. Which was a really strange experience - the horn was blaring when we first got out, but then the electrical cables melted so it stopped... the hood blew open with a loud bang, and a couple of the tires exploded... and there was just so much fire enveloping the whole vehicle. (I've seen cars on fire on the freeway, and this was in a completely different league.) And I kept thinking, "Wow, that belongs to someone - and it's just becoming more and more irretrievably torched by the second." The police said it had been stolen before being ditched and then burnt to a crisp.

Jess called me a bum for not updating my blog! Well, that is true. So here's a little something fun:

54 As a 1930s wife, I am Average Take the test!

See, I probably got scored negatively for "Tells vulgar stories", but I think my husband would score me positively for that!

Now, as a 1930's husband, I am zee shit:

113 As a 1930s husband, I am Very Superior Take the test!

I suspect that's because it's easier to be a 1930's husband than a wife. :) And also because I ignored all the questions about children, which I suspect I was scored negatively for, and there were many more of them in the Wifely category.

"You'll know how to hit once you have a little brother. Little brothers teach you how to hit."
-dad at Baskin Robbins to one of his many children.

Is that where I got my mean right hook?

hee hee!

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Yoinked from Jess !

A friend's kid, in the car:

"I can't talk right now, Dad. My head is full of science."

AWESOME!!

We also went to see Foreigner/Styx/DEF LEPPARD this week! It was totally rad, of course. We saw the following things:

devil horns
plumber crack
big 80's hair
tight pants
Union Jack sleeveless shirt (on a dude)
Ankle boots, miniskirt, and newsboy hat (on a girl)
Lots of tattoos
Guy spilling beer on a girl
One mullet (we were hoping for more!)
Big dude doing the two-step to 'Pour Some Sugar on Me'

It certainly was festive. We had fun. :)

I occasionally get e-mail that is intended for someone who has an address remarkably similar to mine. The one I got today had this gem in it:

"She asked me to tell daddy not to be too mad at her cause the intire class
failed their spelling test today and are suposed to take it over again."

I supose that if the intire class failed their spelling test, the teacher might send some extra study materials home for the parents. (And yes, I'm an overeducated bitch. Thank you for asking!)

It's Rosh Hashanah, so this supafly shiksa is taking the day off with her Jewish husband. There are benefits to being Jewish-in-law. Next Saturday, when I am starving through Yom Kippur services for a religion in which I don't believe, the drawbacks will be apparent. :) But Mr. Blue knows I love him and that is what counts!

Yep, I am a slacker. But guess what? This is post number ONE HUNDRED! WOO!

So I was standing in the kitchen after dinner, conversing with Mr. Blue, and he (utilizing his talents to the max) bends the conversation to something veeerrrrry gross and disgusting, so I start singing AS LOUD AS I POSSIBLY CAN to drown him out (plus I can be extraordinarily loud when I want to be - seriously, you would wonder how that much sound can come out of a person my size). And our darling and totally insane cat Ella comes sprinting into the room, jumps up on a box, and starts rubbing on my leg. She loved it! I stopped for a moment and she was purring like crazy. What a total weirdo. And it was BAD singing, kids... singing of indeterminite key and terrible quality. All I was really going for was volume, but I guess that's all that matters to Ella.

I had some overheards but I lost them. One was about some lady talking about who invented salt, and one was some dude in the airport security line talking about how his aura is the color clear. Uhm... okay. Tell ya what, if I could do something like invent salt, I would be mucho rich!

So my friend jess is a domestic wonder, as you all may well know. And she and I are cooking up a Sarcastic Scrapbookers party where we will make all sorts of darling little creations that say stuff like "Shut up, bitch" and whatever else rude you might want to say using craft supplies. Sugary snacks and alcohol will also be invited. Stay tuned!

What??

Noooo.

Apparently, this is because of the words "crack" (used 4 times), "hell" (used 3 times), "dead" (used twice) and "stab" (once). So if I said "After taking a stab at climbing that wicked crack, I was dead tired, so I took off my shoes 'cause they hurt like hell", that would make it extra NC-17?

Get your own ridiculous results here!

An overheard (from a co-worker, quoting her policewoman roommate):
"Roaches are the worst! Give me a crack whore with a bad attitude any day!"

Oops, that makes SIX uses of the word "crack"! Oh no! SEVEN!!!

I figured that the conversation had evolved enough to make this a post of its own:

Every now and again at work, this question comes up. Say you are given a resume for a person you will be interviewing. Is it okay to do a Google search on that person before the interview? How about after? Does it depend on the success of the interview? What if the panel that interviewed this candidate can't agree on whether to hire or not?

My opinion later. :)

Zandperl tipped me off to this:

www.pandora.com

It's a cool personalized web-radio that you can train! And - it's free. WOW. I was going to say "I'm loving it", but that's the McDonald's slogan, which makes me feel queasy, which is not at all how I feel about Pandora. I love the Pandora. I love it good.

I'm going to break with tradition and throw a question out to y'all (yes, all three of y'all). Do you have any favorite mementos or keepsakes? What makes them your favorite? Are there any events in your life from which you wish you had a keepsake, but don't? Are keepsakes worth keeping if they just live in a box and collect dust? Do you feel that having mementos can sometimes cheapen the actual memory of an event?

(The motivation for the last question is this: A few years after I graduated from high school, our choir teacher asked our other choir teacher to marry him. He found a beautiful outdoor spot and spent the day moving the furniture from his living room out there. After setting up the outdoor room, he brought her out for dinner, wine, and dancing, and popped the question. They took no photos of the setup or the event, because they wanted to simply have the memory live in their own two minds, and nowhere else. I've always thought that was sweet, but I also have some ascetic tendencies that this story appeals to.)

"give piss a chance"
- sign in the KFC bathroom in Transylvania, with a picture of a guy and a urinal

I barely even care what the sign says, I'm so excited that a friend ended up at a KFC in Transylvania. (Apparently, they don't have popcorn chicken.)

This story comes from Black Susan, who is currently imprisoned in Texas! (I mean that she's there for her job - she's not actually in prison.)

I'm in Austin, TX, which is only slightly annoying, but certainly more
annoying on weekends when I am by myself. I finally dragged myself
out of my mopey "I wanna go home" weekend funk this afternoon and went
downtown to have lunch at a noodle shop and hang out at a coffee place
(with free wireless!) for a while, at least until it gets dark or
until the panic that I'm illegally parked takes over and I sprint for
my rental car. (I didn't SEE it say anything about how long I could
park there...)

While I was eating a bowl of spicy and peanutty noodles with nicely
grilled chicken slices, there were two women sitting at a nearby
table, and they ordered (among other things) lettuce wraps. First
they got impatient that their food did not come out INSTANTLY. It
couldn't; the one cook was busy frying my pot stickers. Then, the
lettuce wraps come out on (horrors!) romaine lettuce! The woman who
ordered them gets huffy, and then downright angry, and then yells at
the waitress, "How am I supposed to wrap that! It's the wrong kind of
lettuce! It's a wrap, it should come on the other kind of lettuce!
This is crap lettuce!" CRAP LETTUCE? Please. A little creative
rolling would show that the rib down the center of romaine lettuce
serves as a handy support for the filling contained inside of the
wrap. The woman actually left a note for the owner and kept insisting
they take down the picture of the iceberg lettuce wraps on the wall
because it was "false advertising." I can't believe I witnessed
someone working herself up into a shrill-voiced frenzy all on account
of a lettuce leaf!

Can you imagine what would've happened if something actually important would've gone wrong?? Some people need a check of their priorities!

My sister-in-law and I were at Nordstrom's over the weekend. As she was buying some shoes (those really cute ballet-slipper type ones), a couple came up to the counter to return some shoes.... some nasty-ass gold lame' platform shoes that had been bought TWO YEARS AGO! They - well, HE argued and argued with the salesperson while she just stood there looking dumb, and the poor people at Nordstrom's finally took 'em back just to get Crazy Man and Miss Toe Jam out of their store. Even if a pair of my shoes spontaneously combusted - if you've had them for two years (and have obviously been wearing them), you can't return them. Well, I guess you can, but I would be unbearably embarassed to even try. (Plus - exploding shoes! Cool!)

Goddamn insomnia!!

"Satan is boring"
-graffiti near Tavistock Square

So true. We need a newer, fresher icon of evil. Something a little more sexy, a little more subtle. You couldn't take Satan to a party, it'd just be all damnnation and fire and yelling and eternal torture, not to mention the sulfur smell. Satan, you are boring. Either update your look, or you will be replaced by Kate Moss.

HELLO from London! Will it ever stop raining?

While waiting for a prescription to be filled at Walgreens, I found the most horrifying hair care product ever. I have nothing to say but ewwwwwwww.

At the grocery store today, jalepenos were mistakenly labeled as green beans. Could be a problem with those who have severe culinary disinclination!

Our survival class went on our survival trip, and we all survived. Yay! On the way back, the one real idiot in the class was telling a story that involved this:

"So, he was like, you're gonna need a catheter, and I was like, what's a catheter?"

I don't have to hear any more; I KNOW that's a good story. :)

"In the future, humans won't even have legs. We won't need 'em."
-guy at Denny's

Screw the future! It's gonna suck!

Also a piece of unsolicited advice - if you go to a restaurant and decide to hit on the waitress, wait until the end of your meal to do so. It makes things so much less awkward for everyone, especially if you are the last person in the restaurant to realize that you are getting shot down in flames.

"Don't shave mad."
-written on someone's whiteboard at work

Oh, I don't know...



Even without family, I'd still have my job to drink about.

Speaking of drinking, I wouldn't recommend participating in Chainsaw Art while imbibing. But maybe it would be a good thing to shop for when you're drunk.



PS - I added a link to Kate's blog on the sidebar. She's a really creative photographer - we did a set of bridal pics and had an absolute blast running all over Tempe - so I just wanted to give her a little press, even if it only reaches, like, four people. Yay, Kate! :)

In our survival class, talking about one of the more zealous members (absent at the time):

"Just take him with a grain of salt, okay you guys?" - Teacher Prone to Giggles
(undertones) "Just take him with a gram of coke is more like it." - Teacher Prone to Swearing

Zealous Outdoorseyman showed up later:
"And I'd eat another lactating rabbit, I don't care!"
Apparently, they're delicious. Hm.

Class also involved the phrase "I told them, you guys are the Lord of the Flies preschool!". I don't remember the context of that one; I just found it in my notebook.

One year ago - almost right now! I'm such a lucky girl. :)

"Yup, the most famous stuff on earth: duct tape."
-Wilderness Survival Teacher Person

That might not be strictly true, but I hope it's at least in the top 100.

You know when people ask questions because they want to seem smart, and it just backfires in such a major way? We have one of those in our class. Oh, so many questions does she ask.

"Um, so I know you shouldn't drink alcohol to warm up in the wilderness, but could you bring, like, a flask, of like tequila or something, for like cleaning wounds and stuff?"
-Dumb Girl in Class

The look on the teacher's face was priceless as he tried to think of something that wasn't equivalent to saying "They're called tiny little rubbing alcohol wipes, dumbass!!"

I'm gonna go have a beer and sit on the couch. YEAH.

What a cute little juice box, with monsters on the front!


It even comes with a little straw!


Blech!! It's not juice! It's a little box of sake! Perhaps it should come in a container with a warning?


Thanks to Black Susan and Stash Kovac for the exciting gifts from Japan! (The warning box is from a very small robot!)

"Is it possible to smell your own fear? 'Cause I think that's what I smell."
-girl at the rock gym

The smell of fear must be better than so many other things I've smelled at the rock gym. I am NOT looking forward to summer, where the ropes get all wet and nasty. Have you ever tried to tie a figure-8 knot with only your pinkies? Eeeeew.


"Many a redneck has been sent to his death by a beautiful girl."
- Wilderness Survival teacher

I'm taking the coolest class (on wilderness survival, as you may have surmised). And I just have to tell this story, because it's hilarious. One of our teachers also works for the Superstition Mountains Search and Rescue team, and they got a call because some dude took his girlfriend out for a hike, which also involved drinking many many beers. To impress her, he did a little free soloing up onto a ledge and couldn't get himself down. To try to flag down some help, he took off his shirt and started waving it around. The area he was in is a big wind tunnel, basically, so his shirt got ripped away. (Did I mention it was January?) He needed something else, so he took off his pants and started waving them around. They also got snatched by the wind. So.... yep, he took off his boxers, and they flew down the canyon too. So when the rescue team finally got to him, he was naked, freezing, and probably much more sober than he would have preferred. Man... you just can't make this stuff up.


I also just have to mention that I am so excited that Britney Spears shaved her whole goddamn head.

After several incoherent ones, I got this randomly generated haiku

Haiku2 for blue102
murderous rampages brought on by myspace i'm still considering it
@ aboutmylife.netadvogato.orgblogger.comblogs.gnome.orgblogspot.comdeadjournal.comgreatestjournal.comlivejournal.commyspace.comspaces.msn.com
Created by Grahame

I'm just cutting and pasting this from an e-mail I sent to seven-of-two and Corn Child, because I am too busy trying to keep my cat from consuming styrofoam peanuts. Why do I have styrofoam peanuts? Read on!

"We drove up after a long day at work and there was a package outside.
Strange, it's after the holidays and we didn't order anything. And I
can't think of a reason that someone would want to bomb our carport. I
got out of the car and inspected the box. Blue! With flowers on it!
And it says 'PajamaGram' on the side!! All of these things point to
fun and happiness. It's from my dad's brother, who didn't get to come
to the wedding, so I surmise that it's a belated wedding gift. Whee!

The 'PajamaGram' box says on the side "We all know how crazy,
fast-paced, and hectic the world can be, and we hope that this gift
brings you a bit of comfort and relaxation." Wow, that sounded damn
good to me, especially after my crazy, fast-paced, and hectic day. So
I opened the box.

It was a Bible and a Book of Mormon.

Did someone not get the memo that I *apostatized*? And that I married
a *Jew*? And that you don't have to BUY the Book of Mormon; you can
get it for free, and as I was a member for, oh, TWENTY FIVE YEARS that
I might already have a copy or twelve??"

Yeah. That's what happened today.

I have to say (after posting about it on Corn Child's blog... maybe) that I am not a fan of how Blogger is now all smooched up with my Gmail account like two seventh-graders in the bike racks after school. NOT A FAN. Although I wonder if Mr. Blue would be willing to find a bike rack and make out.... hmm....

I was going to post about the lady at the dry cleaners who went TOTALLY BATSHIT INSANE last week when I was there, but it's kind of a long story. Well, not really... I'll write it and then go have a beer in the shower (because I had a weird Alaskan math TA who talked about how he was doing that one time, and it really is kind of a cool thing).

So I went to the dry cleaners. It's not the place I usually go, but it's damn convenient so I thought I'd try it out. The complex is under construction, but all the shops are open. I went in and the one other customer in the store was droning on about getting his pillow back. "Uhmmm... welllllll... can you call me when you think it's going to be in?" What, you have ONE special pillow? You can't use another one for a few days?? Never mind, don't tell me about it. The lady at the counter seemed a little frazzled. She also had bright red hair (fire engine) and a big fake fur coat. The pillow issue was resolved and nasally-drone-man left. The lady turned and leaned her head against the wall, which was kind of weird. I casually mentioned that I would like to drop off some clothes. She walks in the back for a few minutes and wanders around. . Then the construction dudes outside started their drilling again, and she screamed:

"I can't take it anymore! It sounds like a dentist's drill!!!!!"

She runs outside and starts berating the construction dudes, who respond as if she does this five times a day. She's standing right in front of the door, so I can't run! She comes back inside and finally acknowledges my clothes. Much stress is had in writing me a reciept. I feel totally freaked out, and kind of embarassed at being so emotionally close to a stranger. I get outta there ASAP, along with another customer who was going to pick up his clothes but decided against it! Probably wise.

I'm not totally heartless; I mean, I feel bad for this lady, and I'm sure it's not fun to listen to construction all day. But whooooaaaa, things just got a leetle too emotional in there for me!

I did get all my dry cleaning back, though.

We went to Four Peaks for lunch, and the girl at the next table started talking to a friend about how she doesn't floss:

"Wow! I mean, I'm so impressed that you floss! I never floss. I always say I'm going to floss, but I never do."

The conversational topic didn't really catch on at her table - it's probably true that very few people floss on a regular basis, but discussing the lapses in one's own oral hygiene program over lunch is still a bit taboo. The funny thing is that I didn't hear anything else from that table the whole time - that girl was just really loud about her not-flossing!

Not much to say, just "Happy New Year!" to everybody! Now, I must go drink some more water.... calm, soothing, restorative water.... and perhaps something really bland to munch on... :)

I would like to tell everyone that I just started a fire WITH NO MATCHES! Woohoo! I used one of these.

And no, I wasn't camping or hiking or anything, I just started a fire in my backyard. With no matches. BECAUSE I CAN!!!

"It smells like barf!"
-kid in the grocery store parking lot

Kids are hilarious. We were in line at Target last weekend, and the 5-year old behind us decided to get chatty. A few steps into the conversation:

me: So how old are you?
kid: I'm 5. How old are you?
me: I'm 29.
Her eyes widen, like I'm the oldest person she's ever met.
kid: (softly) Ohhhh. Do you have kids?
me: No, not yet.
kid: Why not? When are you going to have kids?
me: Geez, you and my mother! Um.....
kid: When you get pregnant?
me: (relieved) Yep. When I get pregnant.
kid: When you get pregnant, you can't bend over. Can you bend over now?
me: (suppressing laughter at her father, who looks horrified) Yeah, I think I can bend over!
kid: Show me!

Not being one to bend over on command, I laughed and paid for my purchases, as the kid tried to convince her dad that I really should show her that I can bend over. Just to make sure I'm not pregnant, I guess? Cheapest pregnancy test ever!

And this wasn't overheard, but how many times in the history of Ever do you think this has been said?

"I need to dust my fez."
-my husband

On the unusual personal note:
So, I went to church with my mom today. Don't worry, I'm still a non-believing heathen. But I did want to sing Christmas songs, and she was so completely happy to have some company. It was a pretty weird experience, seeing everyone with whom I used to be a Believer. But we were late (by my design) and I left right after Sacrament meeting, so I didn't have to chat with anyone. And then I went home and put on my slutty Excommunicated Mormon Drinking Team micro-tank and went to the bar. (Except that Four Peaks was closed, so I changed my shirt and we went to Chompies instead. Hey, I tried.)

Happy holidays, everyone! This includes Boxing Day, Kwanzaa, Do-Mi-Do Denser Than Balsa Wood Day, National Whiner's Day, Day of the Wren (Ireland), Junkanoo (Bahamas), Day of Goodwill (South Africa) and Mao Tze-Tung's birthday, all of which are on December 26th. Woo!

We are watching PROFESSIONAL ARM WRESTLING on ESPN2. It is so cool. There are referees, and rules, and lingo and commentators, and strategies, and everything! The current world champion has a huge right arm and a normal left arm. "You can see the intensity in his eyes! He's like a coiled snake!"

The really funny thing? The contestants all hug after each match. No kidding.

By the way, who do I talk to about getting an extension on Christmas? Despite the fact that the holiday season started being hyped in mid-October, here we are with nine days left, and I AM NOT READY! Forget about Chanukah; that started yesterday so I'm even more ill-prepared for that. Perhaps New Years gifts for everyone this year?

Middle-aged woman to older woman, very excited:
"It's like a goldfish - ON CRACK!!"

I think she was talking about the koi at the zoo. Which would probably make them more like a goldfish on steroids, unless that particular fish was totally freaking out, or maybe breaking into another koi's car to steal it's stereo and sell it for drugs. That would've been cool.

But the COOLEST THING at the Zoo was Stingray Bay!!! You can put your hand down in the water and pet the stingrays (which have had their barbs painlessly removed). They're so soft, and really beautiful. I took pictures, but they all suck (damn index of refraction difference).

I had something else to post, from the grocery store the day before Thanksgiving, but I forgot it. I need to start writing stuff down again. I can tell you, though, that the woman who sits in the aisle across from me at work spent two hours looking for a turkey, and that was on Monday night! Eep. I'm glad I only had to do fruit salad and green bean casserole.

"Where did my pancake go?"
-Steve the Climbing Hippie, who misplaced his pancake while driving. The pancake in question was found at the end of the day, under the driver's seat.

"You got your seatbelts on? Good. I never use 'em."
-tow truck driver (not wearing seat belt)

The tow truck driver quoted here is the one that picked up us - and our smashed Civic! - after an accident on the I-10E on Monday. Everyone except the Civic is OK - I expect the car will be totalled. Pictures to follow!

And go figure: we mashed up my car on Monday night. Then, on Tuesday night, Mr. Blue calls from band practice to say "My car won't start!". The only car in our posession right now is a rental; a Chevy Cobalt with - get this - MANUAL door locks. How vintage! (How lame!) It's been a helluva week - hence, the two screwdrivers with dinner. Mmm, vanilla vodka and orange juice tastes just like a Creamsicle!



The door isn't open - that's just the way it's shaped now.

How 'come Target's fall line of clothes are all in various shades of puke? No one looks good in puke. I don't care if it's the orange, green, or pink variant.

I was at Target this evening. Their doorbell (they have one for nighttime deliveries) was going berzerk, the whole time I was there. It was cool.

Overseen:

"I am pregnant 04/06"
wall of Bunhuggers, Flagstaff.

Did someone find out they were pregnant, right there in that very stall? It's quite possible. Were they happy? Or just overwhelmed? Whoever wrote it is (making assumptions) not quite due yet... wonder how she's doing?

I went here this weekend and my calves are still sore:

Oh, my holy crap. I tried to go on MySpace, because I want to see the page of a very darling friend of mine and there were dancing Elmos and siezure-inducing flashy things and a million tiny Christmas graphics and colors and words all running around and stuff. Wow. I'm surprised more people don't go on murderous rampages brought on by MySpace. I'm still considering it (the murderous rampage), so if I end up in jail, you can say " She seemed nice. Quiet, but nice. Oh yeah, and she said she went on her killing spree because of MySpace." Then Congress can spend four years debating whether or not there should be a constitutional amendment banning flashing wordy graphics and dancing Elmos on the same page (because to me, that makes more sense than banning gay marriage. WTF?).

We rocked the rock gym tonight. And heard:

"I didn't want to talk about frosting. YOU wanted to talk about frosting!" -climber girl
"I did want to talk about frosting." -belayer girl

I'm not sure what there is to say about frosting, other than GIMME!

Well, now that I've completed the two-second logon process... I don't remember what I was going to post about. Hmm.

Kristen sent me a great Overheard, that could only be from one place... TEXAS!

This one comes direct from one of my instructors, who (sadly enough) lives in the same city I do. Please don't judge me based on what he says! Ready? Here goes:


"You know, it's like John Wayne toilet paper. It's rough, tough, and doesn't take crap off nobody!"

Oooooooooooh boy.

I did sit in the doctor's waiting room the other day. (By the way... if your inhaler expired 3.5 years ago, it probably won't work very well. Mine didn't!) And there are always lots of lovely people there. Like the woman talking on her cell phone VERY LOUDLY - the only one talking in the whole room - about the rampant infection she had in her hand after jabbing it with cat's claw (the native desert plant). Save it for the doctor, lady! Ew.

A Memo from Management:

"I think that 'permanent' is a relative term."
-department manager

The joys of working for a large government contractor are sometimes just too stupid to express. The place I work for is such a big, dumb, lumbering Neanderthal... it's a wonder Darwinism hasn't weeded it out yet.

'Snakes on a Plane' was great. GREAT!!!!

Really good friends will:

1. Meet you for climbing.... at 5:30am....
2. Be beautifully patient as you take the wrongest road possible to the crag....
3. Keep their sense of humor and adventure as "30% chance of scattered showers" turns into "100% chance of unrelenting downpour" before the first bolt has been clipped....
4. Cheer for you out loud as you drive your Honda Civic like an SUV through rocky, soaking muddy terrain in previously mentioned downpour, trying to get the hell outta Dodge before the car sinks entirely and turns into an archaeology project for future civilizations...
5. Enjoy the unexpectedly hick roadside bar that you chose for lunch on the way back (solely because it had a buffalo on the sign)...
6. Actually agree to go climbing with you in the future!

I was fortunate to experience all six of those this weekend! I'm so lucky to have the good friends that I do.

So, for the three friends that read my blog: Zandperl, I miss climbing with you (although I'm sure you're glad you weren't there for this weekend's adventure)! Thanks for always being someone I can count on, no matter what. Corn Child, we've been through so much together... thanks for understanding and for letting me vent. Seven of Two, we've known each other since you were born! Thanks for being honest and for giving me new perspective (and an accordion). And all three of you make me laugh until it hurts... you're a rockin' trio of chicks that I'm so glad to have in my life!


PS - If you're a friend that reads my blog and I didn't include you, please forgive me! I only know if people are reading when they leave comments. Leave me a comment and I'll say something nice about you too!

For those of you who don't like to smoke:


you can experience crack in tasty sandwich form! Mmm! Crack is Wack... but in such a delicious way!

Here are pictures of Nina and Ella:

"We were at dinner, and some guy was drinking salsa!" **

OK, so the "guy" is my husband, so I'm used to that. But he really wanted someone to say that about him. So I did. :)